So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
