What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
