My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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