shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize