I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
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