Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
