Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
