after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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