Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
