I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I believe in your delicious
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
