omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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