cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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