The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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