I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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