I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
