just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
