pop tarts are not kleenex
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
