I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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