Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
