the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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