Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
