I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
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