My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
