I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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