He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
