Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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