I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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