You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
