I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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