EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
