I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
