DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
