He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
