Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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