She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Even my vagina gasped.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
