Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
