i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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