I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
