Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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