You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
