A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
