i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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