O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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