Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You ate ashes out of my bong
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
