I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
