You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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