Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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