You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
