true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
