I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
