remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
