she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Randomize
