I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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