i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
