need another drink. this is the easiest way
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
