No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
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One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
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You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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