How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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