DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
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She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
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She needs sedatives and a leash
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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