I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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